i’m sure it’s fine
You Might Also Like
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
A fake ID that makes you younger
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Sunday
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.