Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
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The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Sing it!
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.