Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
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April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
Who called it baking and not making love
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking