I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
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Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
just witnessed a drug deal
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Well, my evening plans are ruined
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
The two types of wives
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
tell em, edith-anne
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.