i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
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I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?