*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
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My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
seems fine
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
That de-escalated quickly
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes