Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
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superman landing like a plane on his belly
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
(Electricians.)
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Solving a traffic jam
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.