If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
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Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
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