My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
You Might Also Like
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.