Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
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I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
You wish you had this many chins.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN