Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
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Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?