I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
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After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.