one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
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me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.