Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
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1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.