WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
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When you’re Kinky but poor
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
#Caturday
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
This could be us… but you playing
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.