[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
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My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
(more comics:
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
Florida man
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.