How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
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Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”