[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
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Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.