ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
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All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
I’m giving up for Lent.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
I have questions??
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today