After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
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[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
car not found
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me