[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
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Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Growing out my freckles.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life