okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
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“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊