“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
You Might Also Like
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Canadian owl: Eh?
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?