[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
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My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake