It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
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Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.