Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
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[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
I love art.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
this has to be peak English
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
A fake ID that makes you younger
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise