lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
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I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”