[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
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– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
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Wordle is trying to tell me something
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A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.