So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
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Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
*has no idea what a book even is*
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede