“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
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so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
if a cop pulls u over play dead