Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
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Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.