Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
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(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Can’t stop laughing
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?