LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
You Might Also Like
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
The little toadstool has spoken.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.