Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
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If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.