Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
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I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?