Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
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*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.