I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
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Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
🤣😂🤣
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again