[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
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*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
this is the news I live for
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
And bowling should be called pinball
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.