I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
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Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.