i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
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[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
me and who
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.