My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
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Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
Best seat on the street 😍
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”