I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
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Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
those birds must be on payroll
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.