”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
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*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.