Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
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Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.