I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
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[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”