If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
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I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup