I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
You Might Also Like
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.