The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
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support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
Alexa; make it look like an accident
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine