If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
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If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8