happy birthday to me. i am 25.
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I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.